the condition of life is only the more inevitable as it ever was. clear yet endless in it's mysterious nature. is my existance in this world truly of one without change? for several years now the pattern in
this life has only become clearer. it seems as though only those who are lonely seek for me. in a world that is almost too unforgiving, it is almost impossible for those to steer themselves out of a world that is blinded by semiotics

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new iPhone application. trying out something new

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Which Final Fantasy Character Are You?



Final Fantasy

wow i almost forgot about my livejournal. i'm gonna start using myspace as my blog from this point.

http://www.myspace.com/53626

HMM

its been quite some time since i've last written anything in here. i'm currently waiting for a friend to get off class cuz we're gonna go have lunch somewhere. so what is new? i'm having an awesome time with my new work schedule because i only work 3 days in a week. also i'm only a part time student this semester (11 units) so i'm not so busy. my classes this semester seem pretty serious. i mean my teachers last semester were very energetic and funny. this time around seems so dead. (_ _) maybe things will get interesting later this semester. it will eventually with all the asian american event stuff.

i've been listening to podcasts like crazy. well i only have subscriptions to several of them. podcasts are cool because they're made by like local people. the material is raw so people on them pretty much say anything they like. sometimes they can get raunchy but its funny too. podcasts i've been listening to are like errr.. i can send links later. mostly asian type stuff. or video game stuff. i even listen to a podcast that plays old NES songs. podcasts of piano recordings which are really nice.

i had lunch with a friend recently. it was pretty wierd! maybe it's just me.. but i think people that are too religious freak me out. i think its a great thing for someone to "find themself" somehow. a life-changing moment. i dont want to get any details becuz i can rant forever about something like this. and to those friends i have spoke to about this know (^,~) sometimes i can feel what a person feels and not hear what a person says. a persons true emotions are written on their face and not through their words. can someone actually prove a true definition for what is considered as the best quality of life? all i have to say about god is this.. you can only find him in your heart and not in your head.

mood: hopeful
music: bach js - ich habe genung

ok now my friend (piano tutor) really annoys me now. before i used to admire here because of her dexterity and ability to play piano so well. but now i think the exact opposite. before she used to annoy me because she is so touchy. i am not an affectionate type of person. i think when people are,, they think its sweet. but to me its gross. i try to get used to it but no matter what i still feel uncomfortable. only a few select people (rare occasions) will receive this type of affection from me... pth! anyhow this is what happened. i walked into the music room and i saw her talking to chris (whom is a very awesome keyboard player who does his own recitals at school) and she asked me to hold her books and carry them to my practice room. and so i was thinking "hmm why? i don't really want her to bug me while i try to practice" but having no brain i said ok. anyhow i was practicing and she knocked my door and was like "open the door" and so i opened it and i said, do you know how to be polite? she came in with this wierd look on her face. she said i was using too much pedal. but i was playing a waltz by chopin. when do people use pedal playing a waltz? i wasn't even touching the pedal. shows how much YOU know.. thats what i said. so she asked me if i needed any help on the piece (since she is sooo experienced) i didn't get this certain part on timing and so she tried playing it for me. but it didn't sound right and she knows she wasn't playing it right. so she was saying it isn't her fault because she's not learning the piece. and i said i'm just telling you what i needed help on but you're not helping. she said, when you practice piano play seriously. i was like wtf. no i'm not playing seriously right now. i'm actually fooling around. i'm fooling around being irritated because i don't get the timing of that freakin part. does she know what she's actually saying? and she keeps bragging about how her student (12 years old) is more advanced than me. do i care? if i was playing since i was 8 years old like her i would be more advanced than both of them combined. i never really told her what her problem is when she plays pieces.

this is what her problem is :

she plays songs like a fucking robot. even though she has the scale exercises down and her sight reading is great i don't feel any passion behind her playing. oooo she can play fast and she hits the right notes. but why don't i feel anything from it? opposed to when chris plays a song he plays it with dexterity and at the same time he keeps the mood. he hasn't even been playing as long as her yet he plays songs with great personality. i hate lifeless playing. part of being a musician is to be an artist. she by far .. is not an artist. she can't play shit unless she has sheet music in front of her or if its memorized somehow.

she has too much pride. you know it is cool to have pride in something. but if you have too much of it you can be oblivious to many things around you. she has been playing "XX" amount of years and she is proud of it. she talks about her training in korea. like everything is best in korea... honestly idfc. cuz it aint. and so she tries to teach me but it is in a very condescending way. play seriously?! okkkk. dont get me wrong because i luvvv piano. everyone and their moms know that i luv piano. but it is not my life. if i had a choice i'd rather be playing final fantasy with my brother or singing.. absolutley singing. she keeps thinking i'm a music major like her. but i am not. pride is the cause of much stupidity in the world. it gives people a sense of superiority. pth! people should know the reality around them instead of living a dream. otherwise,, keep living that stupid dream it makes them enjoy their artificial life.

no wonder she has no friends. all of her friends are in korea or have moved far away. yet she's been living here for like 7 years. i'm by far no genius but i can do the math. anyway... i'm late for class. nvm! i'm hungry. wow i wasted much of the day on my rant lol

mood: cranky
music: J-ENT radio podcast 11/08/05 edition

just feeling a little relieved now that we are on the verge of ending this god forsaken season. is it just me? in life there is almost no rest. we go through events and make decisions and sometimes in the end we wonder wether or not we are heading somewhere. wandering almost mindlessly yet at the same time slowly learning everything through experience.

i think a lot of my friends are getting sick. it sux. i was starting to feel sick on saturday after the halloween parties i went to. our club party was aight! we didnt get a phat attendance and there were a lot of times when i wasn't sure what to do with our guests. but i think for some of us that were there just fooling around we had a pretty fun time. i was happy because while i was in my ninja suit i was doing some breakdancing. i was able to do one of my old moves (which require so much STRENGTH) woot. but my body felt light at the moment. it must've been my outfit. it gives ninja + AGI (ff joke) anyhow i found out how it would feel to hold a party. i'm so used to having like a party at our house or apartment or something. its so much easier even tho cleaning up sux. i mean at least there if guests are bored i can give them food or something. or we can sing karaoke or play some kinda games while drinking. i did end up drinking that night and i think it made my head hurt. i didnt really get too buzzed,, just a slight JOLT or something. me getting sick is a sign. i'm gonna try not to go out for a while. stay home time!

mood: exhausted
music: liszt - un sopiro

HMMM

my car got broken into again. i've spent the last couple days finding parts and putting my car back together. thanks to nick and eric i was able to fix it and now i'm able to drive again. it sure is a bitch to have a car like mine around here. people just cant keep their fucking hands off of it.

mood: aggravated

got this from o5nickl which is from another persons blog :

Well, World of Warcraft has definitely taken a hold of me. I swore that I would never let these kinds of games get in the way of my dreams. And that is exactly what they do. Those dreams, that make life so full of struggle, failure, and disappointment in attaining them, are so easy to avoid when you are sucked in to the bliss of online fantasy adventure. I think I know how these games work on the mind. They give a decent amount of pleasure which is appealing to people who do not have much in their lives or do not want to make the effort to try to have it in their lives; as I said, life is full of disappointments and pain, but games like this are always fun. In fact they are so much fun that you either have to have a fantastically awesome life or enough ambition that you would rather put up with the pain in trying to achieve a fantastically awesome life than play a fun game and let all that ambition drift from your mind. Life is full of so much pain, struggle, worry, and disappointment, is it any wonder we cling to escapism?

-------------------

he makes a really good point there.

why do we cling to escapism? i believe that everyone has a way of wanting to escape. either it be work, school, family, even friends ...people want a break from it all. online gaming is just one example of it. some people go partying, watch movies, play sports. but all in all.. these things are going to be time consuming. they make us happy so they become a big part of our daily routines in life.

but i disagree with him that online gaming attracts people who lack ambition... i think thats what he meant.. i play final fantasy (i think everyone around me.. and their friends, co-workers, family members, teachers staff and faculty probably know by now). at the same time i don't look as it as an escape from pains of reality. for me, it is more of an addition to the other things i already have in progress. another goal to shoot for. because once we obtain goals we feel happy.. accomplished!

its sad that when people get so far into their past times that it becomes an obsessive compulsive part of their life. it being all the person ever thinks about.. day and night. anything like that will definitely be a huge detriment. life is just full of desires. but why let the devil inside of you take over so easily? if we really care about the people around us then we wouldn't surrender our soul right away. life is too short to be obssessed about something. too many wonderful and interesting things will be missed. we are not the same neanderthalic homo sapien of the past. we are complex and integrated! and so we must gain happiness through multiple achievements. the flourishing of mankind. it reminds me of how the renassaince/baroque period really changed the world artistically and scientifically.

((playing games 1.5 hours))

back with conclusion. i like being busy. life is full of pain worry and disappointment.. and i had my share of struggles. they are the very things that make us strong. learn from mistakes and move ahead until you're satisfied with a result. in the end.... become old, wise, knowing that your world you have lived for lingers in your afterglow.

mood: slight hang over
music: sister playing bach invention f major? i think

time is winding down this semester. i forgot wth i was gonna write about.

my friend alex bought ffxi this week. he's gonna be our new whm... yeeesss! ahem

i sat in the library yesterday. opened my book bag *zip* then popped out my math book.. put it on the table *BOOOOM* (loud sound). when i did that there was a girl sitting on the table. she kinda startled. i felt kinda bad. but then after she was like "hey!" then i remember i talked to her at an AAC event last semester. we were talking about school stuff and we led into talking about our futures and what we wanna do when we graduate. i told her what i might do but she said "you should just become a superstar" aw.. how sweet huh?

ok done bragging.. back to homework!

mood: embarrassed